you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
