Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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