I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
