that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
