a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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