phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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