nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
