You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are the jesus of drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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