The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
