so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
