i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it