I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
