Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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