While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
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Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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