i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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