I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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