Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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