I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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