Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
