My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
