It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
