FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
