I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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