I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
