how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize