So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
