Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
