This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
