Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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