I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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