If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
