my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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