but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
