I wanna bring you to show and tell
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
