How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
