I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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