My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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