How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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