Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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