I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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