last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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