i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
