At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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