You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
