I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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