I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
