youre lurking in front of me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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