on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
