Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
