Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
