New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
