I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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