i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
