The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
