dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
