She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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