one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
