I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
