Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dignity is for republicans.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
