Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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