I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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