The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
