I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
